Matches for: “Nothing” …

Nothing has changed

Nothing has changed

I think you need to rewind right back, right back to when you were just you. And choose things that were good for you in other ways, that have nothing to do with what is good for you now. Continue reading

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A Room of One’s Own

“What’s this? A shrine to 44 years ago?” BUB.1 was watching me sort through boxes of old school work, vinyl albums, Smash Hits yearbooks and photos that had finally, at the age of 44, made it out of my parents’ loft and into mine. But not before I had relived the memories and kept a few … Continue reading

A room of one’s own

A room of one’s own

I keep seeing man sheds springing up, but maybe women need women caves too. While men sit playing video games or using their tools, forgetting the grown up world back in the house, women can read, listen to George Michael (or whoever tickles their fancy) and wallow in a time before they had the responsibilities of a family. Continue reading

Camping: Never. Again (until next week).

Camping. It’s basically just wiping toilet seats, dry retching, eating crisps and arguing, isn’t it? How many times in one holiday can you say “You CAN’T want a wee again already?” or “Have you finished yet?” or “Don’t go in THAT one!” or “You’re not hungry because you’ve eaten eight bags of crisps,” or “We … Continue reading

Fish heads 1 Parents 0

I sipped my tea from a safe distance, muttering things like “There’s no need for such a fuss” and “It’s nothing a quick rinse with some soapy water can’t fix” and “It’s just a matter of encouraging their individual interests,” as the children splattered and smeared fish guts all over the kitchen cupboards. Continue reading

5 Tricks To Get You Through The Day

The hideous cacophony of household appliances, voices and thuds, the constant litter picking, the ceaseless searching for things and the endless supply of defrosted sausages to cook. It’s what known as the Day That Lasts Forever But Actually Nothing Gets Done and it happens when you are a parent to small children and spend time in your own home. Continue reading

My George

It was hard to grieve for George Michael today, with the sound of giant whoopee cushions going off left right and centre to a backdrop of Listen Without Prejudice. The joy of my children at Christmas took the edge of the death of my own childhood, which I guess is the main purpose of having them.
Continue reading

The beautiful ones

The beautiful ones

These kids didn’t have anyone telling them they were a failure or that they had to pass tests to be successful. And they’re now top of their profession and internally renowned in a creative field. Continue reading

Morten Harket: a retrospective

Morten Harket: a retrospective

“Did you see it?” “I saw it.” “The way he blew his fringe off his face at the end?” 1985. 1984. Who knows? But A-ha were on Wogan’s early evening chat show, and as he finished singing his multi-octave song he stepped back and blew his sweaty fringe from his face. My hand hit dial. … Continue reading

KERBOOM cake

KERBOOM cake

In the future, if I ever struggle to remember what it was like to have a three-year-old child, I will just look at a photo of the birthday cake I made BUB.2 for his fourth birthday. He had seen similar cakes on the internet when I was searching for dinosaur cakes and said he wanted … Continue reading

KERBOOM birthday cake

KERBOOM birthday cake

In the future, if I ever struggle to remember what it was like to have a three-year-old child, I will just look at a photo of the birthday cake I made BUB.2 for his fourth birthday. He had seen similar cakes on the internet when I was searching for dinosaur cakes and said he wanted … Continue reading

Weight loss, it’s a thing.

Weight loss, it’s a thing.

Aside from rigorously following Slimming World for eight months, people ask me how I lost 3.5 stone (three of which I tell myself were each of the BUBs’ fault, half a stone was the biscuits’ fault, but it’s probably the other way round). What was the secret? It was this: Individually-wrapped Moser Roth chocolate bars … Continue reading

Weight loss, it's a thing.

Weight loss, it's a thing.

Aside from rigorously following Slimming World for eight months, people ask me how I lost 3.5 stone (three of which I tell myself were each of the BUBs’ fault, half a stone was the biscuits’ fault, but it’s probably the other way round). What was the secret? It was this: Individually-wrapped Moser Roth chocolate bars … Continue reading

Acrobat

Acrobat

We moved to a different room and a mobile scanner was wheeled in, and all the while I was mouthing to Willy Wonka, in a Les Dawson-style whisper “She isn’t, she won’t be, she’s not.” She was. Continue reading

The best and the worst time

The best and the worst time

I’ve just had possibly the finest few hours of my parenting life. The BUBs played “vets and jungles” while I pottered in my slippers. The baby slept straight after breakfast which left the boys to have a snowman bath bomb, full of delightful squealing and mutual drenching. When she woke up the baby got in … Continue reading

Senior moment #1

Senior moment #1

A song was playing and I instantly loved it. It’s OK that Fearne Cotton didn’t mention the artist at the end, I’ll just remember the words and Google it. I can add it to my Spotify playlist. I’m so down with it. Continue reading

Table for one please

Table for one please

In Australia, the relationship strategy of some men is to make you one of the lads. Unless you are attuned to this larrikin love mode, your relationship flounders. I can only describe it as being strapped into a very fast, very fun plane but never actually taking off the ground. Continue reading

Baby I don’t care

Baby I don’t care

Everybody seems quite concerned about poor Kate being in labour while the world waits. But whether it’s day or night, hot or cold, once you’re in the zone, I think the sky could turn pink and small bananas could start raining down and you wouldn’t notice. I remember looking at the bag of neatly packed iPod speakers, cold compresses, hot water bottles, massage oils and other paraphernalia as merely a trip hazard during my first labour, Continue reading

Baby I don't care

Baby I don't care

Everybody seems quite concerned about poor Kate being in labour while the world waits. But whether it’s day or night, hot or cold, once you’re in the zone, I think the sky could turn pink and small bananas could start raining down and you wouldn’t notice. I remember looking at the bag of neatly packed iPod speakers, cold compresses, hot water bottles, massage oils and other paraphernalia as merely a trip hazard during my first labour, Continue reading

Skeletons with red noses

Skeletons with red noses

With BUB.1 sitting on a potty and BUB.2 propped up against wall next to him red-faced and spluttering, I found myself wearing a Halloween skeleton mask and a Comic Relief red nose as I leaned head first into the washing machine only to pull out amongst the clothes Willy Wonka’s reading glasses that had been through a 40 degree spin. They were a bit steamed up, but on removal of the skeleton mask I couldn’t see any further damage. A good moment. A highlight. Continue reading

“W” is for wheels…or…

“W” is for wheels…or…

As a parent, there is nothing more infuriating than what happened to me yesterday as I took a peaceful walk to the park with my two children. Walking back along the cycle path at the end of our road, BUB.1 was on his scooter behind me, stationary, looking at the blackberries, while BUB.2 languished in … Continue reading

"W" is for wheels…or…

"W" is for wheels…or…

As a parent, there is nothing more infuriating than what happened to me yesterday as I took a peaceful walk to the park with my two children. Walking back along the cycle path at the end of our road, BUB.1 was on his scooter behind me, stationary, looking at the blackberries, while BUB.2 languished in … Continue reading

F*** festivals

F*** festivals

We’ve all seen them, the young family at the music festival, all floaty and serene, who appear to be having it all. Who says having a baby means the end of your music festival days they seem to be saying, the smug bastards. Quite. Well that was us yesterday. We chose the most middle aged … Continue reading